Dyspraxic Rogue

Currently I spend much time thinking about how life is cyclical and how the problems I face now I have faced in the past. Currently this is showing up in two ways, in my personal life with the struggle between being a good friend and honest to myself, and in my professional life where imposter syndrome is competing with the want for my voice to be heard. And its that second one I am going to focus on.

I remember the very first time I spoke at a SharePoint Saturday and feeling like a deer in the headlights. I knew I didn’t know my stuff well enough to be there but learnt that speaking is where I feel most alive. Back then the struggle was finding what I did know well enough to push the imposter syndrome a little to the side.

Throughout my BEng in Aerospace we had to present at least once a term, on projects I would know inside out a new feeling emerged, panic. I have no answer for this one, it didn’t leave me the whole degree. It also never returned. I think its a result of the atmosphere of the presentation, it felt hostile in some ways, we were being judged and accessed by our audience. Not the atmosphere of encouraging success I have found in a wider space.

The next grouping of sessions were all virtual, where the disconnect between speaker and audience is at its most prevalent. Here felt removed from what I loved about speaking. The energy of the room, the live feedback from people, the interaction. But also looking back I would over prepare so that the dreaded imposter syndrome was further away. But the rigidness of this preparation did not make me a better speaker. And when the script was gone I was more nervous and stressed than ever.

Finally with the return to in person events and speaking I once again reduced my prep enjoying the adrenaline of speaking without the stress of memorising a whole presentation. Here the deer in the headlights returned but with a confidence to bluff my way through. Learning once again that I could push away the nerves by knowing my content and just a little bit of confidence. It is from here I am still growing, and slowly starting to bring more preparation back into my sessions. Also accepting that I’m not always the person speaking because I know absolutely everything but because I know more than most people in the room.

So I guess the takeaway isn’t to feel reluctance at the cycle but sometimes lean in. If you’ve been here before see it as an opportunity to grow. You know what happened last time, you know the choices you made, maybe then you can try a change.